How about the eBay Bidet. It not only rhymes, it completely solves your bum washing problem. You install it on your toilet in 20 minutes. I found out about this using a process of elimination. – M.
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This idea may have already been mentioned, but I connected a kitchen sink dish spray hose and nozzle to my toilet water supply as a homemade bidet using a pipe tee, 1/2-inch valves, and some reducing adapters. It takes a little experimenting to know how far to crack open the valve to keep from spraying water everywhere. Of course, having water pressure is a necessity for it to work and one still has to use the “dirty hand”, but you are right in that one feels much cleaner down there using water and the hand. – WLF