Editors’ Introductory Note: Outwardly, the topic of this article might seem tangential to SurvivalBlog. But please consider that a natural disaster, a societal collapse, or even just sudden unemployment might throw some odd groups of people together to live under one roof. It might be relatives, or it might be some close friends. Or it might just be “that guy who you know from church” with the well-honed tactical skills. Take this prospect seriously, and plan accordingly. (The painting above is titled The Bedroom, by Pieter de Hooch, dated 1658.) — JWR
Proverbs 16:31 teaches us: “A gray head is a crown of glory, it is found in the way of righteousness.”
Many people I know are raising their grandchildren due to various reasons, but the most common reason is the child’s parent(s) just can’t seem to realize they are adults with responsibilities that don’t involve drinking, drugs, or shacking up with really bad choices for partners. And many folks I know are now having their parents or grandparents move. In this day of extremely high daily living costs, several generations under one roof is not uncommon.
In America, decades ago, it was very common for my friends to have their grandparents move in with them. As a child, I remember friends who had grandparents move in with their parents. I loved going over there to play, since I ended up with more grandparents! People are also combining households due to illnesses. Multi-generational living is very common in other countries. This is an opportunity to learn about cultural and family traditions and maybe start some new family traditions.
The blending of generations and families will take patience and work. A family meeting is recommended at the start of the living arrangements. Everyone should have a voice. Respect for everyone and a lot of patience is key. Some basic house rules should be established, like noise control, chores and privacy issues. It may take a while for a “new normal” to be established. Daily meetings may be needed to divide up the chores and care of everyone. This will be a stressful situation for everyone, including pets. Yes, people will be upset. But, hopefully, it will all work out in the end. Finances will need to be discussed so that it’s very clear who is responsible for what.
A good sorting of stuff needs to be done by all parties. If this is an urgent situation, a storage unit may need to be rented until possessions can be sorted. Don’t expect your family to just throw out everything they own, but you may not need two sets of living room furniture or two kitchen tables. Be flexible because you want the person moving in to feel like this is their home also, so allow them to display personal items, pictures, plants, etc. Over time, sort through all of the large household items. Keep what works best, and donate the rest.
If multiple people are trying to get out the door in the mornings for work or school, a shower schedule may be needed. One person cannot tie up the bathroom for a long period of time for an extended hair and makeup session or a 45-minute bowel movement that would have taken 10 minutes if they had not been on their cell phone, losing track of time. If you are used to wandering around half-naked in the mornings, then go and buy a bathrobe. Your grand kids or children don’t want to see your wrinkled old butt hanging out. Imagine the tales (or pictures) the grandkids will tell at school!
Keep a communal calendar visible to avoid scheduling conflicts. All appointments, meetings, events, etc., should be immediately placed on the very visible calendar.
Noise can be a big issue, especially if some folks work nights and need to sleep during the day. If someone has a hearing problem and cranks the television up to top volume to hear, get them hearing aids, headphones, or use closed captions option. The days of teenagers blasting music at ear-bleed levels will also have to cease. Respect everyone, do not just think of yourself. Children will also need to learn not to scream and yell and use an indoor voice. Sleep times will vary and people like quiet when they sleep. If you are a day sleeper, then this may be especially hard until everyone settles into a routine.
Cleaning up after yourself and smaller children is necessary as more people equal more dirt. Don’t expect someone to come in and pick up the drinking glass and plate you left on the coffee table while watching television. Someone may volunteer to handle most of the cleaning but they are not your private maid.
Making this situation work is a team effort. So everyone — adults, kids, and even pets — must do their part.
If possible, everyone should have a private space they can retreat to. Knock before entering anyone’s private space. This may not be possible if some family members are sleeping on the sofa. If someone is sleeping on the sofa, see that they have a private room available during the day for study, prayer, reading, etc. Also, be mindful of television viewing if the television is located in the same room as “the sofa sleeper”. That individual may not want to be up until midnight while someone “needs” to watch television. Again, think of others before yourself. Remember to silence cell phones so notification sounds do not make noise all night.
Communal meals make the chore of cooking easier but may not be possible due to work schedules. Sharing meal prep and eating makes for great bonding. Be respectful of everyone’s diets, likes and dislikes and allergies. Do not make fun of the vegetarian! A shopping list is vital as you will be using much more food and products.
OLDER PEOPLE
We may not fly out of bed and hit the ground running or be able to work sun up to sundown performing hard labor, but, we did not reach this old age because we were stupid! Growing old takes hard work and lots of mistakes and lessons along the way. It was a very bumpy road. With all that hard work comes a lot of actual experience. We have done real-life stuff, not just looked at it on a YouTube video. We are living YouTube videos because we have done it and probably the hard way! We should revere older people as a great source of knowledge, living encyclopedias! Hey boomers, remember when we were so excited to have The World Book Encyclopedia A-Z? I used to read those books for hours.
If you are fortunate enough to still have living older parents or grandparents, talk to them. Listen to their stories and ask questions. I used to love listening to my grandmother talk about her small homestead and growing up in the depression era. About 20 years ago, we learned how to make our own soap and I gave my grandmother a bar of it. She was so excited that I could make soap and thought it was a wonderful skill to know. My mom knows all kind of household hints and is a wonderful cook. Bob knows engines. They are a great resource.
When I grew up, there was no such thing as a cell phone or the Internet. You actually had to go to the library or go to the set of encyclopedias and look up your topic of interest. There was no video or quick lesson. You actually had to read and take notes. I know it sounds horrible to the younger generation, but when the research was part of the learning process and it was taken seriously. We were psyched to learn. This also enabled us older folks to improvise on the fly. We didn’t have the internet to look up something. You either winged it or stopped and went back to the library or your home encyclopedia. The Internet and YouTube are wonderful tools when they are available and working. We also did not have overnight delivery service, you made do with what was on hand. So listen to a suggestion an older person has and respect their intelligence and wisdom. You may learn something! We know how to fix things and make do with what is on hand. This is a good opportunity to be a great role model for the younger generations.
An older person will probably have some physical limitations. They may not be able to shovel snow or turn over a garden, but most people can do something and wish to feel useful. Most people who are physically able don’t want to just sit parked in front of a television all day while life goes on around them. That is a slow death. It’s just my husband and me in our home and we are the older people! We split up the job list best suited to our abilities. During a snowstorm, he starts plowing and I rake the roofs and shovel out the dog pen, generator, and propane tank. Divide the chores.
While visiting mom and Bob in New Jersey a few years ago, it actually snowed a few inches. That is nothing compared to Maine snowstorms and took me a short time to clean everything up. Naturally, mom wanted to “help” me but the best way for her to help me was to have lunch ready when I finished cleaning up the snow.
Having someone inside handling meal preparation is a blessing after several hours of shoveling! An older person may not be able to handle the shoveling but they can fix lunch, mind the kids or dogs, do minor housework and tend the fire. Those jobs are every bit as important as the “heavy stuff” and they feel that they can contribute to a household.
Older folks can do just about anything but moderation is recommended. If grandma wants to weed the garden or feed the chickens, let her. If she wants to take a nap, respect that. Naps are wonderful at any age.
SMALL CHILDREN
It’s great that the kids will get to really know their grandparents, aunts, uncles or whoever is living in your home. Is it important to respect the parents’ child-rearing philosophies and avoid the urge to criticize. The children will also need to respect all adults in the home and listen to them also. Having a child tag along in the garden or hen house to help is great for teaching them responsibilities and building a relationship. The child will learn how to socialize with people of all ages. Little kids hear and see everything, so be mindful of this. Little kids will probably adapt to their new enviroment quicker than older children, especially if you make the change seem like an adventure.
TEENS
From what I witness among my friends, teens are the hardest to acclimate to new living arrangements. Teens think they are adults, but are not, but they are not little children either. Try to be understanding and look at it from the teen’s point of view. They may have just moved away from their school and home into a totally new environment. The teen may have just given up his/her bedroom for grandma or grandpa moving in. Expect some drama. Hopefully, the situation will settle down quickly as everyone finds their new routines and expectations.
PETS
No one wants to give up their pets if they have to move in with family so try to be accommodating. With that said, don’t expect everyone to welcome your cat collection. You may be forced to scale back to 1 or 2 of the felines. Dogs will need to adjust to their new environments also, especially if other animals are living there. There may be a few squabbles until a new pack order is established. The new dog should be expected to be housebroken and not eat furniture — and destroy stuff. It will also take a while for pets to adjust.
ILLNESSes and Injuries
If a family member is moving in because of an illness or recovering from an injury, it is critical that they have their own room, preferably in the quietest area of the home. They may not even be able to leave that room for meals. So try to make the area as pleasant as possible. Children sometimes are afraid when a relative is bedridden as they really don’t understand the situation. An ill person already feels like they are a burden. And having their grandchild avoid them will probably make them feel worse. Have a child visit the ill person and help with care if possible. This may help eliminate the fear the child feels towards their ill relative.
CONCLUSION
In conclusion, hopefully the new living arrangements work out for everyone. Again, be patient and respectful. Have daily family meetings and don’t let issues fester and become huge issues. The relationships formed and friendships should always outweigh the inconvenience and lack of space — and privacy. Enjoy your family members while they are here because we never know what tomorrow will bring.