I am in a very unusual situation. I’m in my mid-40s, but I’m dying. My doctors have told me that I have less than two months to live. So I have been working on my “bucket list.” One of the items therein is finding a new wife for my husband, to marry after I go to be with the Lord. I have always been a cautious shopper, carefully analyzing and deliberating the pros and cons of each acquisition, whether it is a horse, or a piece of land, or just a pair of boots. Finding a new wife for Jim will be a challenge for me.
First, about Jim:
- 48 years old, normal weight, and very healthy, but prematurely gray.
- Has a hard-charging “Type A” personality. He doesn’t know how to relax.
- Very punctual and neat, except for his desk.
- Modest, loyal, and extremely devoted. (He has spent the past year by my bedside.)
- Generous and tithes regularly.
- A worrier. (SurvivalBlog is the professional manifestation of his worrying.)
- Hates big cities, and will never move back to one.
- Willing to dig lots of holes for my plants, but he is not much of a gardener.
- Loves giving gifts but he dislikes spending money.
- Has enough survival gear to equip a reinforced squad.
My replacement must meet these qualifications:
- Be a devout, church-going Christian, preferably with Reformed/Calvinist doctrine. This is the first and foremost consideration. (No exceptions.)
- Be healthy and of normal body weight. (Jim could not bear to lose another wife at a young age.)
- Willing to put up with Jim’s eccentricities including his emphasis on OPSEC.
- Willing to assume my responsibility of caring for three teenagers. (They are godly homeschooled kids, and a great joy to us.)
- Willing to live at the Rawles Ranch in a remote, yet very beautiful area. (Nearly a two hour drive to any decent shopping.)
- Willing to live in a true “four season” climate, with up to six months of snow.
- Enjoy the outdoors (canoeing, hunting, fishing, berry picking, gardening, et cetera.)
- Have a good sense of humor.
- Not want to have babies. (Jim can no longer have children.)
- No interest in television. (We don’t own a television, but we do have high speed Internet service.)
- Be willing to visit your relatives only once or twice a year.
- Not squeamish around slaughtering and butchering of livestock and wild game.
- Hard working.
- Thrifty. (Although Jim makes a very good living, shopaholics need not apply.)
Things about you that do not matter:
- Your age. You can be anywhere between 30 and 55 years old.
- Your appearance. You can be ugly, maimed, deformed, scarred, or disfigured. (But you must be normal body weight and healthy!)
- Your race.
- Your height. (As long as you are least 5’2″.)
- Your taste in clothes, music, or art. (Jim has eclectic tastes, but prefers women that dress modestly in public.)
- You have been previously married or already have children (as long as they have been raised to be respectful and well-mannered.)
Things that would be preferable, but not crucial:
- You are omnivorous. (We eat a lot of elk, venison, and trout.)
- You are fairly athletic and enjoy vigorous exercise.
- You have a good traditional skill set (Cooking, sewing, gardening, et cetera.)
- A background in a medical science (Doctor, nurse, veterinarian, EMT, Paramedic, etc.)
- Your family lives west of the Rockies.
- You like dogs and cats.
- You would enjoy raising livestock.
- You can play the piano.
- You have acting experience.
- You are handy with tools.
- You are artistic and/or have a good eye for nature photography.
- You enjoy traveling.
If you believe that you meet the aforementioned qualifications and are sincerely seeking a life-long commitment with a loving husband, then consider this prayerfully, and then e-mail me your brief biography. I’ll be doing the vetting before you can talk with Jim. Needless, to say, I’m going to be very selective.
Sincerely, – The Memsahib