(Continued from Part 5.)
Separating the Important from the Trivial
Things that usually do not matter much for most men as far as a potential wife: her height, her income, and specific traits such as hair or eye color. I have never heard a man talk about a woman’s height unless she was very tall — which is statistically rare. Men are rarely concerned about a woman’s income unless they are looking for support. I don’t have a “type” and most men do not have a type such as only blondes or redheads.
Of course, a bonus is if a woman has rich parents, but this is not necessary. If a woman is rich and spoiled, this is a serious issue, so threading a needle between these factors is very critical. Wealth is a double-edged sword because it can creates opportunities, insulation, but then it can also create its own problems especially if a woman grew up accustomed to a certain level and the man cannot provide something similar to her.
Men need to understand that an income in a woman is something usually she has to do meaning that her earning money will take away from her ability to be there for you in her normal wifely duties such as cooking, companionship, and raising children. Consider a few historical cases within my own family. My great-great-grandfather married a woman whose family was European royalty. In the United States, no titles are recognized and the title was not transferred along female lines. He had resources, lots of charm, but she also had resources from her inheritance. I have another multiple great grandfather who won glory on the battlefield, knew George Washington and many other Founding Fathers, and his charisma was mentioned in a book about him. After the Revolutionary War, he married one of the richest young women in the state.
A man can marry up or down socially much more than a woman especially marrying “up” if there is some promotional “hook” that he has unlocked whether it is through becoming wealthy, winning glory, or some other attainment. Men are traditionally judged based on their accomplishments and resources with concept of being a self-made man making up for a lack of pedigree as this really does not matter as much for an accomplished man. A woman marrying far down socially is usually a problem. I have never seen it work. Women are often given a lot of leeway as a beautiful face and a great personality usually covers for a lack of a certain pedigree.
Things that men really care about in a woman are very limited: A young woman with a great personality and the right attitude are very important. Among the lessons I have seen in men with successful marriages, it is probably much more important than her looks as those fade with time, but personality is normally a constant throughout life. In Proverbs, men are warned at least four times to avoid quarrelsome women such as in Proverbs 21:9 which says “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”
Sun Tzu in The Art of War urges the warrior: “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Life in the 21st Century is a daily battle for men. Instead of a rifle and ruck, you will need a lot of mental preparation. Young men need to work on how to have conversations and how to be interesting. It is a good idea to cultivate the traits and qualities of being a gentleman including developing a broad array of knowledge by reading widely (conservatives should be able to well-versed even with leftist thinkers and writers to know the enemy), develop a vision and know how to share it, tell a joke without being crude, and have a wide variety of skills including how to cook.
Avoid Tire-Kickers
I worked in sales when I was a kid and I quickly figured out how to spot a tire-kicker (someone who wastes a lot of time, but does not actually purchase the products). I have heard of men wasting enormous time with fathers of young women who want them to answer hundreds of questions as a prerequisite to finding anything about their family or the young woman. I call that often a prerequisite to a daughter becoming an old maid or a man needing to support a son-in-law. This is being written to either strong men or men who are now learning how to be strong. A lot of these questions are based on trying to find exact agreement within religious doctrines such as eschatological opinions within the broader field of Biblical interpretation also known as hermeneutics. It is highly unlikely to ever find anyone who agrees with you exactly about everything even within your roughly same belief system.
Over time, a man will usually grow in maturity and wisdom: beliefs that you thought were very important when you were younger often recede to the background as you discover new ways of looking at things. Successful marriages which I base my writings and philosophy on are based on the honest spirit of debate, compromise, and agreeing to disagree on minor issues. People who want to be right are often less successful in life as those who desire to understand the point of view of another. Debates on topics such as supralapsarianism and infralapsarianism are better left to those with a lot of time on their hands, not a young woman with a very limited time frame in which to get married.
A man should seek a young woman who is earnest in her desire to be married and be a mother, not looking to debate or to find 100 percent agreement concerning arcane religious doctrines. If you are a Christian or even moral man, you likely are offering a better life to her than the majority of individuals out there. I am reminded of a couple of characters in JWR’s novels Founders and Expatriates. One of the boys in Founders was Graham Norwood whose family were moral but not Christians. Graham was described as “sixteen going on twenty-six. He’s been homeschooled and he’s really sharp and very level-headed.” If I were a father, I would be looking to mentor families including those with similar values like Graham, gently guiding them and teaching them about Christianity. It is not saying that there is a guarantee that he or his family would get there, but morality is often a starting point. Morality will not save someone, but it is better to deal with moral individuals than immoral individuals in current life and in survival situations. The religious conversations between Chuck and Ava in Expatriates are another area where a smart young woman is seeing some potential in a lapsed Christian.
Never underestimate the ability of people, especially fathers with single daughters. to snatch a defeat from the jaws of victory.
A few survival specifics for sons:
1. What are some thoughts on playing sports, especially contact sports such as football or wrestling?
The likelihood of most boys eventually making any money from sports is extremely low. I know so many people will say intangible ideas like the “love of the game” or it teaches “teamwork.” A boy who has limited financial resources does not usually benefit in putting his limited resources of time and energy on something with a low likelihood of return unless they is some exceptional talent there. Usually, talent is self-evident and often spotted early. A boy can learn a lot of how the world works by actually working and making money. It does not need to be a theoretical bubble of a team of similar-age boys being “coached” by an older man. Boys and men should seek mentorship from a wide variety of qualified individuals throughout their lives.
I know and have known professional sports players. Their lives are nothing that I would ever want. If a young man wants to be a “millionaire,” there are many roads to that end. Only about 1 percent of millionaires are minted through sports with 99 percent through other activities with the most prolific being entrepreneurship. Most college players will never get to a professional level. Promising professional careers are often cut short by injuries. I have known people who played at pre-professional levels including college and are still suffering from injuries.
2. What are some thoughts in how a boy or young man’s limited time can be most effectively utilized?
The 10,000 hour concept has been popularized by the writer Malcolm Gladwell in his book “Outliers” which is often interpreted is that it takes roughly 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert or have mastery in a field. Translated into years this could be roughly 10 years at 4 hours a day for five days a week. You can almost think of it as a part-time job with likely no pay. Just spending the time trying to become world-class at something and spending 10,000 plus hours does not automatically equal success. You may not even get average. I have easily put more than over 10,000 hours into praying and searching for a spouse as I treat it like a full time job and still have not achieved any success.
It is important to know your family’s skills and gifts. I do not know you or your family, but if someone with experience says that someone has real potential for greatness, then it could be worthwhile to consider. I have not yet personally seen any young athletic talent actually mature into something great. I have been told that there was talent, looked at it, and there was none in my opinion. The world took a little longer to register its opinion as the individuals either washed out before college or after. Most of these long-shots are usually a 10 to 15 year minimum process with little to no pay in most cases involving not just the commitment on the form of a son, but often the whole family, so you can multiply the hours by you or your spouse for taking him to practices and games which could involve running around the state with expenses in gasoline, wear and tear on your vehicle, and diminished time with your family including your spouse not being able to get meals on the table. Maybe with my farming knowledge I am a little too practical, but if I were a boy of just average talent I would be putting my energies into getting paid instead of longshots. Ten thousand hours at even 10 dollars an hour could be that 100,000 dollars that I was discussing earlier and I have known a lot of boys who can make a lot more than 10 dollars an hour.
3. Does your son have strong men as mentors, including you?
Having role models for boys is extremely important. Boys can achieve greatness or they can live their lives between the gutter and sewer and this often depends on the environment the parents are providing. Are you mentoring your son teaching him a profession including being there for him or are you leaving the socialization to peers? If you are a leader, are you mentoring other young men and more importantly their fathers to be leaders? I have heard of strong men mentoring families and being able to provide values and structure to these families and as those children grew into adults, spouses were there for his now adult children. Planning and time can carve mountains and the same road could work for spouses.
4. Have you insulated your son against peer pressure?
Peer pressure is very dangerous and dares have caused countless injuries. Boys and men need to avoid the caustic influence of peer pressure. It is difficult to stand alone against a crowd, but sometimes it is necessary.
5. Are you teaching your son the principles of physical preparedness and does he have basic skills?
Boys need to learn how to cook and learn basic household skills. In the Old West, a cowboy who was injured could often continue to earn an income by being a cook for a wagon train. It was not glamorous work, but it was better than starvation and poverty. In a future survival scenario, knowing how to quantity cook and the principles of sanitation could mean the difference between your group surviving or perishing.
A lot of skills for boys and men require the acquisition of actual survival supplies including tools. It is a good idea to observe and demonstrate basic safety precautions to sons. One excellent source of information on tools that my family has enjoyed is Mr. Rawles’ book Tools for Survival. If a man has acquired a full assortment of tools necessary for household and farm use, then it could be a good idea to purchase actual household goods and supplies that could be useful for your future spouse to use. Over the years, I have purchased many items that I hope my future wife will use. During the supply chain shortages in the early 2020s, one of our appliances broke and was unable to be repaired. After I was unable to find any at several stores, I removed a replacement appliance that I had stored in what I call the “hope closet.” It is important to keep a careful inventory and replace what was used when replacements can be found. Many of these concepts were first introduced to my family in the writings of John Pugsley especially through his book titled The Alpha Strategy.
(To be concluded tomorrow, in Part 7.)
