(Continued from Part 3.)
Health considerations
There is a saying which encapsulates a large percentage of the preparation: “If you don’t have your health, you don’t have anything.” Health is much more critical for a young woman versus a young man. I have known of individuals whose fathers died before they were born as the female’s time contribution to pregnancy is on average 65,000 times greater than the man’s contribution. In nature, male bees (drones) do not live that long after successfully mating with the queen as the insemination act if successful is the male’s swan song. Even if they are not successful, a drone will often by thrown out of the hive during the winter to conserve scarce resources as their utility is negative meaning the queen is bred for her lifetime with the one nuptial flight and their contribution is no longer needed.
Being a wife and eventually mother for a young woman is a very strenuous job! It is a full-time job requiring enormous stamina, intelligence, and robust health. A mother who is sickly could be more likely produce sickly children or may not even be able to have children. There are things that a young woman could do to potentially improve her health since we all live in the 21st Century. This article is a Gedankenexperiment (thought experiment), so none of this medical advice.
The saying “a stitch in time, saves nine” could be relevant to a discussion about health as earlier interventions are often many times more effective. It is often easier to “nip things in the bud” (solve things when they are in their infancy stages rather than advanced stages). I have seen people delay treatment out of concern over cost, fear, or logistical barriers such as a lack of time. Health is paramount second only to our salvation which will determine where we go after we die.
I am from a multi-generational survivalist family and the root of a survivalist is to “survive,” not die. I try to figure out ways that people have died and try to avoid whenever possible these causes. I even think about things that are not relevant to me because they could be relevant to my future wife, daughter or granddaughter. I was born a boy and matured into a man. I have zero actual lived experience with being a girl and maturing into a woman. However, that has not stopped me from learning. This has included consulting with experts and becoming familiar with various processes in case there is not a medical professional nearby with current board certification in that specialty. It is often better to have a little knowledge in an exigent emergency, then just allow someone to die from exsanguination (dying from blood loss) such as what caused the death of the actor William Holden. The knowledge men have about women is absurdly low and this will impact their ability to plan for emergencies and to identify emerging issues in wives and daughters. Lack of knowledge is very commonplace even among those with advanced educations with many electrical engineers not knowing how to wire a battery and many men and even women lacking a basic understanding of gynecological issues.
God designed women biologically different than men. The female genitourinary system is incredibly complex compared to a man with many more problems that can be latent and then emerge as bigger issues. The dietary needs of females are also much more complex as most at some point provide the “home” for one or more offspring. I find it useful to look at both individual cases and overall longitudinal and historical studies which highlight larger issues.
The average age of first menses has been declining in women as increased nutrition has become available declining from 17 to 12 between the late 19th century to the 1950s. I try to keep my ears open to even trends that do not affect me and I have been hearing from men with children about various health problems some have been having. I compare nutrition to fuel. Prepared people should try to purchase and store the best possible nutrititious foods for their families both for today and for the future. Many young girls are very nutritionally deprived because of personal dietary choices, not a lack of current food availability. It is very common especially among city people for young girls to do a lot of dietary exploration and experimentation as they get influenced in various diets by female peers especially not eating animal protein or traditional food items.
I have heard many times of these city girls being very picky eaters with an extremely limited diet. Many times I have heard among those with picky diets of health problems which begin showing up at time of the onset of menarche also known as the time of first period with problems beginning to cascade with each successive period. Few men understand the gravity of the female cycle and the overall toll it takes on the female’s system and the nutritional supports either through food or supplementation that could be necessary to replace lost vitamins and minerals especially iron, magnesium, B-vitamins, Vitamin C, and zinc.
Whenever I hear about fathers with young daughters talking about these or related issues, the first thing I ask is what has the gynecologist said? For some reason which I cannot figure out, so many young unmarried women are not consulting with gynecologists. For men, the counterpart would be a urologist or the specialized field of an andrologist which deals with male reproductive issues. Most men do not need to consult with those until they are more advanced in years, but there are a multitude of issues that can occur in young women.
For those who do not think that this is important, here is an example: When I was a child, I first heard the sad case of an older lady who died before her time. People told her you should go to a gynecologist when she first started experiencing commonly known symptoms of cancer and she replied: “I am not married.” Being married and going to a gynecologist are not mutually exclusive. She died of uterine cancer.
It is very important to consult with actual experts and for children this often begins with a pediatrician who if problems are detected can enlist various experts including on diet such as a registered dietitian. There is only a limited time period to correct issues. Children do not have an unlimited time for growth. Another time I will provide survival specifics on wartime studies that showed the long-term multigenerational effects of nutritional deprivation on children and women during these years. This has occurred during previous famines with epigenetic effects lasting for generations. Since famine is likely in the future with the collapse of Western Civilization, I will revisit this topic again in a later article as I know people have expressed interest in hearing from a food producer on famines as we are usually the first to know.
Developing the Right Attitude
1. Be open in your family to talking with people including families with sons. Let it be widely known that your family is out there looking for your daughter to get married. Marriage is designed by and blessed by God. Your daughter should be praised for wanting to be married and you for seeking it for her. This is not time to hide your intentions or be demure. Unfortunately, so many families regard the first step of talking as something that requires everything to align perfectly initially. You should be talking with people. Failing is okay, but failing to talk is not okay.
A young woman is essentially applying for the job of homemaker. Finding men of value and worth in this environment is difficult. If you think you will find success talking to the first person, you are way too optimistic. It is better to talk earlier than later: I have known families that waited to talk until their daughters were beyond easy childbearing age or even developed reproductive problems in their later-20s! If these women had started earlier, they likely would have been able to have children. Women have a very small clock of which to accomplish getting married and having children. I have multiple great-grandfathers who were widowers and fathered more children some of whom are my great-grandparents at very old ages. The same is biologically impossible for women to routinely naturally conceive and carry fetuses at those advanced ages. (Excluding a miracle such as Sarah from the Bible).
2. Be realistic about your wants in a future son-in-law including about small differences in religion. Finding a Christian or even a moral man today is very difficult. Arguing over minutiae is not usually profitable unless you are debugging a program. Life is not a program where we have much control over the inputs. It is unlikely that a man and his family will agree with you on everything. Try to see if you can work out any differences. You must ask yourself is it better to have an unmarried daughter with no children and a diminished future or have a quality son-in-law, grandchildren, and a bright future for her with a family who has a slightly different way that he and his family practice Christianity? Paul has a lot of wisdom here that he provided to Timothy: “But foolish and unlearned questions avoid, knowing that they do gender strifes” (2 Timothy 2:23). Knowing what is foolish and unlearned versus essential is a sign of wisdom.
3. Be kind to people. There could be people who are way below your family’s basic expectations and social status who inquire about your daughter. No matter what a man’s position or station in life he is still a child of God and should be treated well. It is admirable when a man tries, fails, and has the courage to try again. Because of the educational attainment gap that is only growing, a college educated young woman will often need to move if she seeks to find a college educated man. Men do not have this issue and this will be covered under the section for men.
4. A young woman will only get “X” number of opportunities — meaning that the number is not known. My family and I have known of many old maids who had stories and regrets about not taking great opportunities when presented such as they did not want to move, thought they were too young, wanted to work on their career, and concerned about money. All of their former “beaus” married and all became successful. A man’s chances are infinitely better of marrying at all life stages including being a widower where his chances of remarriage are eight times that compared to a woman. As time passes, a man usually grows in wealth and power. A woman’s zenith is when she is 18, in our culture. Every year after that is a decline where no amount of creams and potions can rejuvenate her natural youth as hyaluronic acid production begins its decline as evidenced by lessening of natural facial glow. More importantly than surface-level appearance is that a daughter has a finite supply of ever-dwindling eggs. A man remains fertile most of his life. This is not to insult anyone, but simply to lay the facts out there.
5. Be completely honest about your daughter’s past history and your family’s past. There is a saying that “past is prologue” and that is usually true, but sometimes it is not. In Christianity, there is new life, but this regeneration must be sincere. I encourage men to have an open heart toward sincere young women and their families, but if you and your family have a past don’t think you can sweep things under the rug and that “it is in the past.” The past rarely remains in the past. If you look at the genealogy of Jesus, Rahab (the prostitute) is in there, but I would regard this as a highly specialized case, not something that should be regular part of a young woman’s past history.
A few survival specifics for daughters:
I have no children currently, but my family and I have vast in-person experiences hearing of the problems of others. Perhaps learning about their problems can help you to avoid problems. Here are some questions that you can ask yourself and dialogue with your spouse to see if they are applicable to your situation:
1. Is there a valid reason for your daughter to be unsupervised around others especially when invited to sleepovers? I have yet to find anything wholesome for children that occurs between bedtime and waking up. During these non-parentally unsupervised sleepovers, a lot of unnecessary problems can occur from fairly innocent activities like minor pranks or getting sick overeating candy to more serious possibilities of immorality occurring or a medical emergency. What if an intoxicated relative comes over to the house later that night or an older individual attempts something immoral at night? What if they do not have proper smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors and a house fire occurs? About 3,000 Americans die each year in house fires with over 10,000 injured. Many if not most deaths and injuries from house fires are avoidable. Many problems are preventable with the parents allowing their children supervised time with other children until later in the evening and then taking them home for the night. I have even heard of people joining them for breakfast the next morning.
2. Is there a valid reason for your daughter to go away alone to camps or college? It does not take much effort to find all of the things that can and do go wrong. Most people have a tendency to underestimate risks. You are here reading, so you probably are better at gauging risks than the average American. It is dangerous for a man to walk alone and it is many times more dangerous for a girl or a young woman to be alone. There is an important concept mentioned in Mr. Rawles’ novel Survivors where we learn some paternal wisdom where Lars quotes his father: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, then go together.”
3. Is there a valid reason for your daughter to go alone on dates? So many problems can occur and this has been thoroughly covered throughout books and cinema becoming a staple plotline of so many movie and television treatments over the years. A family can avoid so many problems by following a method our family and many successful families have used. When you find people with whom you have established a potential for compatibility for friendship, be friendly, invite people over or travel to see them, have dinner, and rediscover the lost art of conversation by actually talking. This worked back in the 1950s and it can work again, today.
4. Is there a valid reason for your daughter to take jobs outside of a family business or ride with strangers A woman who our family has known for years recently told us about an incident that happened 60 years ago that still affects her.
A young woman is very fragile compared to a man both physically and mentally. [Men have 38.4% muscle mass relative to body weight compared to women’s 30.6%.] [1] It is the Biblical responsibility of men to protect women. You may have bought the propaganda that women are “strong” and superhero-like, but I have met too many families who have been impacted by serious problems. It is very difficult for people to continue on after a tragic event occurs even if they survive because the mental scars last much longer than after the physical scars fade.
If a father wanted to increase the survival for his family and his genes, he would try to place his daughters in several locations as European royal families have done for centuries. Throughout history, the marriage of daughters was integral to the formation of alliances preserving and expanding kingdoms. When you have a declining resource in terms of female charm and fertility, it is best to use it smartly instead of allowing it to decay.
Queen Victoria’s descendants were married into or occupied the thrones of 8 countries. If Queen Victoria had married her daughters off to various English nobles to keep them close by, she would not have been known as the “Grandmother of Europe.” I have seen many families have the idea that they need to keep their daughters geographically very close within the same area or even on their own property. The net result of this philosophy is that it often can overall limit their marriage prospects and is often a way to various unsuccessful routes such as “Old Maid” and future generation subtraction instead of multiplication. When the husband has to reside with a small geographic area, it is much more limiting than when a father says that he wants the best opportunities for his daughter and not concerned about location.
Premarital Purchases for Young Women
The concept of a Hope Chest is a practical idea that has been largely abandoned throughout society. A hope chest in the past was often a cedar-lined chest where a young woman would store items for her future anticipating the day when it would be an establishing element on which her homemaking would be founded. Many cultures expressed this same concept as the goals and benefits of marriage were seen as universal and societally enhancing. In France, it was known as a trousseau to Australia as a “glory box.” The concept of glory is Biblical: the male role is to support and cherish your wife as she is described as the “glory of man.” One of the largest makers of hope chests actually stopped making hope chests about 25 years ago. This was one symptom reflecting a decline in the traditional values of our country with tangible items that were future focused with the role of training daughters for homemaking.
Young women today and their families could continue this fine tradition by setting aside tangible items for her anticipated future role. Items purchased should be durable, practical, and necessary to the support of homemaking. It is possible to find or construct cedar lined boxes or even closets today for the preservation of cloths and fabrics in an effort to minimize destruction by moths. The hope chest is both a practical way to store items for a future and also as a symbol that a young woman is focused on a godly future of marriage.
As I was writing this, I was again reading the “Parable of the Ten Virgins” in Matthew 25:1-13 where we are presented with a case on the importance of preparedness, a look at 1st Century wedding customs, and some eschatological foreshadowing. In terms of preparedness, having extra oil for their lamps would have eliminated the problem half of the young women were facing which eventually involved them being barred from the celebration. Fathers today need to evaluate where they are in the planning and preparedness stage for their daughter’s eventual marriage. Fathers of daughters need to ask themselves what is their hope to raise or have raised in a child: someone with wisdom or foolishness on their mind.
(To be continued tomorrow, in Part 5.)